The Coffeespy

Alright.  I listened to O’Reilly today talk about how all culture page columnists are left-leaning.  Then I read the Moderate Voice where I was led to Balloon Juice who said:

Tried to watch Superman Returns last night, and despite really looking forward to seeing it, I couldn’t even finish it.

It sucked in more ways than I thought possible. If this movie were a war, it would be Iraq. If this movie were a religious leader, it would be Ted Haggard. If it were a blogger, it would be Dan Riehl.

I used to write movie reviews for my college paper and dearly miss it.  And finally, I’m a ginormogundous comic book geek.  I could give you an hour long lecture on the mythology of our time and how our heroes embody the values we hold truly dear and yadda yadda yadda but instead I’ll just tell you what I thought about Superman Returns.

Problem #1 - The Superman Returns universe suffers from time anomolies.

Lois and Clark met at the paper.  Lois has a 6-year-old kid.  Lois has a journalism degree.  If Lois graduated at 18, went to school for four years for her degree, and then had a 6-year-old, then she’s a minimum of 28.  She’s 28 if she gave it up to Supes the second they met, that is.  Since we know that’s not true because there’s a history and Superman is well known and all that, then let’s add 2 years before he sealed the deal and then split: she’s 30.

Now you check out the pic and tell me: is that mother and son or brother and sister?

Problem #2 - Superman is a stalking predator.

First, when did Superman decide horning in on a family with the intention of stealing away the girl was in furtherance of truth, justice, and the American way.  At the time he took her for a private flight and then moved in for the kiss, he thought she had a son with another man.  The Superman I know wouldn’t try to split up a family.  This must be some “new values” Superman out of Cali.

Second, when did he start using his X-ray vision and super-hearing to listen in on their private conversations so he could gain an advantage in said competition for the lady’s affections?  Ugh… remember that speech I said I could give you about the embodiment of cultural values in our heroes?  This movie doesn’t bode well for American culture if the Singer Superman is what we aspire to be.

Problem #3 - It’s Superman: The Movie.

Let’s see… in Superman: The Movie, Lex Luthor tried to defeat Superman so his master criminal real estate scheme would be assured success.  In Superman Returns, Lex Luthor tries to defeat Superman so his master criminal real estate scheme would be assured success.

On the Coffeespy movie scale, Superman Returns comes in at a solid: MEH.  Good on action, but the corruption of a traditional American icon leaves me with a little bit of vomit in my mouth.