The Coffeespy

Here at Coffeespy HQ we have several very hi-tech pieces of equipment, not least of which is the Internet Brain Simulation Machine (Internet BS Machine for short).  This machine is special in that even while I am not directly working with it, it continues to generate BS.  Yesterday, it generated perhaps the most electrifying idea of all time.

Thus, a series of feature articles are headed your way, of which this will be the first.

It is with great pride and supreme fanfare I present to you, loyal reader: Superhero Sidekick ‘08!  That’s right, the Coffeespy Internet BS Machine will be matching each major candidate with a superhero sidekick.

First up?  Hillary Clinton.

Internet BS Machine Match:

Plastic Man is able to transform himself into whatever the moment calls for, reshaping his image by sheer force of will within the blink of an eye!  This is precisely what the Capitol Hill Chameleon will need at her side.  Who else among the candidates can be elected to the senate by barking fluent moonbat only to seek the office of the president by claiming a moderate streak runs straight up her spine?

Now some of you may be asking, why not Elastic Man?  He’s as pliable as Plastic Man and much, much more intelligent.  Aha!  This is exactly why the bendable Ralph Dibny cannot stand as Clinton’s cohort — he’s smart.  You see, Dibny would see right through this:

1. Hillary presents herself as a very intelligent woman, and by all accounts she is.
2. She chides the president for being a moronic chimp, and it’s true he is from Texas.
3. She then claims she was tricked into voting for the Iraq War by… well, the president.

Ralph Dibny, armed with the lethal combination of common sense and attention span longer than MSNBC sound-bites, would see right through this ruse.  The same goes for Reed Richards or Plastic Man’s son, Offspring (by virtue of completing high school).

Plastic Man’s secret identity, Patrick “Eel” O’Brian, was one major mobster in his time, until his accident and subsequent spiritual transformation by a monastic brotherhood.  This will allow him to empathize with Hillary over whatever dark deed she will find splattered across the Washington Post… well, okay, Fox News come October ‘08. 

Finally, who else in Washington is able to bounce back from scandal like the Clintons?  Plastic Man’s sidekick, Woozy Winkins, is described as “a doofus who was originally magically enchanted so that nature itself would protect him from harm… became simply a dumb but loyal friend of Plastic Man.”  Dump the part about loyal and you have Bill!  A match made in heaven, if by heaven you mean a circus complete with human sideshows and fire spitters.  Plastic Man will need every shred of elasticity and bombastitude to keep up with the rollercoaster, bumper car trainwreck that will be another Clinton campaign run.  But he’s also the only one who can do it.

Stay tuned for part II where the Internet BS Machine matches the only candidate who is not yet a candidate: Fred Thompson!