The Coffeespy

The Coffeespy is proud to announce the first ever calf-blogging contest. That’s right, this week we give our readers the ability to win one of the most coveted prizes available on the internet - a Pez dispenser actually used by one of the mighty Coffeespy staff!

The choices are:
1. Something cute
2. Something horizontal
3. A staffer fave

The contest? Well, it has to do with calves, of course. Identify the following five mega-famous calves in the comments section, and you will be entered into a completely subjective and probably fixed drawing! Nah, we’ll just say first one getting all calves correct will be contacted by email for their particulars and then be featured in a Coffeespy one line post as the winner of the first ever contest held by Coffeespy HQ!

Yes, I realize this is kind of unfair to the west coasters given the way the sun rises and all that, but who am I to buck the oppressive cosmic conspiracy perpetrated by the east coast?

I realize you’re probably geeking out and will need some time to let it all sink in, but with no further fanfare I give you the five fabulous calves of fame for further fun!

Calf One

Calf Two

Calf Three

Calf Four

Calf Five

Calves one through five… GO!

Terri takes calf blogging to another plateau with video at I Think ^(Link) Therefore I Err.

Update, July 3
Fine, we’ll keep our Pez dispensers! While I did get a single phone-in listing of all the calves, and they were correct, it wasn’t an entry… just an “I know these.”

For the curious - Hulk, Spider-Man, Namor the Sub-Mariner, Captain America, and Galactus.

Are you conservative? Are you tired of the political parallels writers are drawing between their personal beliefs and their characters? Did Civil War leave you with most of your stomach bile lying in front of you, demanding you stop reading stories where Captain America surrenders and is then killed? Then, my friend, you need The Immortal Iron Fist. Why? Allow me to demonstrate. Our story opens with kung fu drinking games to the death! That's right, a guy named "the Last Lightning Lord" has challenged a hard-drinking stud of Iron Fist lore to a drinking game operating under the "Lost Drinking Laws of the Me-Lao." Not only that, but he's using the three Chalices of Xu-Ma! While you might be thinking "there's no way this could be any more awesome" I have to inform you that the panels preceding the drinking game had the same two-fisted, fighting yankee insult a man by implying he was of French lineage. And with that, the Immortal Iron Fist #6 was off. We flash forward to Danny Rand, the current Iron Fist, and another man claiming to possess a part of the Iron Fist power. However, this man doesn't punch people, he shoots, and I shit you not, kung fu powered pistols which, according to issue #4, fire blasts "like lightning from the hand of God." Suck it, Dirty Harry. The pair are surrounded by a legion of Hydra troops, evil kung fu bird women, and a guy named the Steel Serpent who is so badass he actually transfers his collected grudges from one generation to the next. What follows? Iron Fist: We're dooooomed. Ordon Randall, the kung fu pistol guy: Less talking. More kicking. That's right, preposterous violence! Iron Fist actually fights the entire battle with an ancient kung fu tome in one hand! Dear Lord, did I mention I love this book? It only gets better as the original Heroes for Hire arrive to protect Rand Industries, the Iron Fist's company, from the hordes of Hydra. In no particular order: Luke Cage - The updated 1970s Power Man with steel-hard skin, urban one-liners, and an injury recovery time 66% faster than a normal human. Colleen Wing - Crazy, katana-wielding white girl making sure her samurai heritage graces the pages of at least two titles at all times. Misty Knight - Smooth talking sister who's bionic arm is only matched in strength by her impressive afro. More preposterous violence occurs, then we finally get to the Heroes for Hire stance on gay marriage: It might be nice, but it's ultimately impractical… besides, both Colleen and Misty are passed around the Marvel Universe like the Infinity Gauntlet. Rimshot, please. Soon after, the Steel Serpent absorbs the kung fu bird women, causes a huge pink explosion knocking the manliness from his opponents, and kicks kung fu pistol man in the chin so hard all his chi runs and hides in his chest. Just "ow." Before he can finish the job and drop kick Iron Fist back to K'un-Lun, the Heroes for Hire show up, throw out some witty banter, and give Danny enough time to do what any man should do with a dying brother in arms: plunge your hands into his exploding chest in order to take his chi! I mean, that's what I'd do. Iron Fist straightens himself up and says what I love to hear in comics more than anything else besides "Hulk smash!": I have the best kung fu. Major flying violence will always follow these words, and Iron Fist #6 does not disappoint. The pair drop kick each other causing a chi explosion taking out not one… not two… but three floors of Rand's skyscraper, after which the Steel Serpent retreats with pink magic. Sissy. Just about when you think the book can't get any better, it ends with Lei Kung the Thunderer, original trainer of Iron Fist, and Yu-Ti, the August Personage in Jade, lord of K'un-Lun, man of 1000 titles, and impersonator of Cobra Commander, showing up in a bright green cloud of tai chi goodness to let Danny know he is needed to fight in a pan-dimensional tournament for the fate of the world. If this book were a samurai sword, it would have been folded 10,000 times by Fonzie. It's that cool. Iron Fist for president.

If I may step out from behind the Coffeespy mask for a moment, I will try to explain the dearth of new material.

Several of the readers already know I’ve been working hard (harder than usual, at least) on a work of fiction. When this occurs, I stop reading the work of others for fear of subconsciously adopting their style and I also have to get in the proper mindset of living, eating, and breathing the characters’ lives. So from 5am to 10am or so, I have dominated a soft, cushiony seat at Starbucks and churned out around 10 manuscript pages per day.

After rocketing up to 95 pages, I realized I hadn’t outlined the middle very well. So I came home and wracked my brains trying to figure out how to get a political activist organization pitted against the forces of robotic talk show hosts to slowly escalate their battle (stop laughing, this is serious stuff). Unfortunately for you, this makes it very hard for me to connect the world of comic books to the world of comic politics.

I’ve had quite a bit to say about the comics I’ve been reading, but my fear is that too many comic book posts will lose some of the connections I’ve come to cherish on my blogroll (particularly Common Sense Political Thought and IT(L)TIE). I’m not sure if they could justify leaving a comic book pundit on their rolls. Others, like Skalduggery and Life on the Installment Plan, I believe would keep me on their rolls even if I started publishing recipes using Spam, the meat-like product, as long as I made it slightly witty.

Then, out of nowhere, WordPress pooped on all my articles. I have wonderful A^’s sprinkled throughout the entire thing and my old theme won’t work with the new version. Finally, it looks like I will be starting a low paying, thankless job where I’m told the real reward is the work itself. Always be suspicious when they tell you your compensation is, in part, the work you do…

So the challenge is trying to balance all these things without admitting the entire situation is probably entirely fueled by my neurosis. And that’s where the title for this entry came from.

So… in order to keep on top of things, I will put out a couple of posts tonight, one I’ve been holding for Friday Calf-Blogging tomorrow, and then pretty much be publishing random musings on anything that catches my eye for the foreseeable future. At some point, and even sporadically until that point, I will return to the comic-poli-blog niche because, really, no one else will.

Just so you know I haven’t lost it, here is a completely inappropriate, out-of-context interaction between Batman and Robin:

Well, I clicked on the automated “Upgrade WordPress” button and it has done something screwy with the formatting of EVERY ARTICLE and disintegrated my blogroll.

I’m not a tech guy of that level so…

…I dunno. We’ll see how I feel about this in the morning I guess.

How do I feel right now? If WordPress were Batman, I’d be the cat:

While Terri of IT(L)TIE was busy showing off Little Thorn, Coffeespy HQ had devised a fiendishly clever contest centered around calf blogging complete with a prize so awesome that to hear of it would blow off all your clothes!

However, due to technical difficulties (which amount to an in-law turning my computer off so they could log-in while I was driving the wife to work) you will have to wait until next week for it.

This week, however, I was still able to find something allowing me to participate in Friday Calf Blogging and maintain the superheroic integrity you’ve come to expect from the Coffeespy Command Center:

That’s right, puny humans, the Hulk has landed.

For literary coverage of the event, seek out Geek in the City or The Savage Critic.  And if you’re up for some good old-fashioned kissin’ cousin action, see Occassional Superheroine.  At Coffeespy, though, you’re going to get the full analytical treatment complete with statistics, factoids, and irresponsible speculation!

Let’s get to the casualties for Issue #1.

Confirmed smashed:

1. A random asteroid 
2. Black Bolt - Person
3. Satellites Baker David Five, Six and Nine
4. An unknown number of windows
5. Tony Stark’s injected nanite plan
6. Several walls
7. A Central Park clearing
8. The Avengers tower (pretty much the whole thing)
9. Iron Man - Person

 Suspected smashed:

1. A bunch of other asteroids 
2. Medusa - Person
3. Several pairs of eardrums
4. Doc Samson’s hopes he wouldn’t be beaten to a pulpy resin

At the end of one issue we’re at 2 confirmed smashed people, possibly 3 or more if we’re to believe the entire Avengers tower was evacuated.  Property damage was probably kept to under a billion during this opening salvo.

Now, on to the KAPOWs, appearing in chronological order:

1. Bip x 6
2. WHAKOOOM!
3. Beep x 4
4. VOOOOM!
5. WHAKOOOM!
6. SPAKOOM! x 3
7. RRRAAAAAAA!
8. KAVOOOOM!
9. Beep x 15
10. KRAKKABA-THROOM!

It should be noted that WHAKOOOM! (item 2) occurred on the moon which had some funky atmospheric thing going on where you could hear the Hulk land, hear people talk, but not hear any other sound effect including a full-on Black Bolt blast.  WHAKOOOM! (item 5) occurred on the earth and had a much more solid appearance further strengthening the idea that the moon atmosphere was a bit wonky.  Also, the second WHAKOOOM! was the result of the She-Hulk so we may also opine that female WHAKOOM!s are smaller but more solid than the male variety.  Or, again, moon air is weird.

While there were certainly more “Beep” effects than any other, it is the KRAKKABA-THROOM! effect that steals the show.  Three syllables in the first word, hyphenated, all caps, and ending in an exclamation point — that pretty much hits all the evaluation categories for world class sound effects.

Strange Factoids:

1. Scan operator #2 in Cheyenne, Wyoming is a total slob who talks with a mouth full of burger over the defense communications network.
2. Iron Man and the Hulk colliding in mid-air at mega-jaw-clenching-rage-speed will produce a soundless shockwave.
3. Channel 7 helicopter pilots are friggin’ insane!
4. Two words: Soundless missiles…
5. Avengers Tower was completely constructed from sound-proof material.

The Channel 7 helicopter pilot, right after surviving the soundless shockwave mentioned under Factoid 2, flies to within meters of Iron Man and the Hulk locked in skull-shattering combat in mid-air.  Balls… of… iron.

Analysis

Black Bolt - First, the Inhumans are doomed with a leader like Black Bolt.  The man is either a cold-blooded killer, a moron so stupid his very existence relies on his autonomic nervous system, or some combination of both.  Black Bolt, a man who blows up cities with his voice, blasts the Hulk because he grabbed his arm.  Ok, ok, maybe a warning shot, right?  No, Black Bolt turns his back on the Hulk either believing: 1) Hulk is dead or 2) … No idea.  Hulk 1, Black Bolt 0.

To add to Black Bolt’s defeat, he is held up like a battered cheerleader during Hulk’s broadcast to the world as an example of what happens to resisting old jade jaws.  Black Bolt punked on a global scale means Hulk 2, Black Bolt 0.

Finally, we never see Black Bolt again.  I guess he’s been stuffed and put in Hulk’s quarters.  Hulk 3, Black Bolt 0 - Hat-trick, Hulk!

Hulk’s Public Affairs Staff - Holy awesome!  Within seconds of arriving in the atmosphere, the Hulk Public Affairs Staff has already hacked into the world.  We’ve seen what a couple cable networks and some print news outlets can do for Iraq, I suspect the Hulk could conquer earth in the matter of weeks without having to fight a single battle.

Tony Stark’s Plan - Was there one?  Looked a lot like “charge Hulk and hope.”  They fired missiles at him for a coup d’état?!  T-Bolt Ross spends decades chasing Hulk with conventional weaponry and Tony has a couple missiles fired at him…  Ah well, you know Iron Man’s going to get it because the missiles gave Hulk just enough time to have a meaningful montage flashback - and that spells doom for a foe.

The Sentry - I have no idea.  Every time I read more Sentry material I get more confused.  A thousand exploding suns, kid who looks like a meth addict, no more than three words per talking bubble while in Sentry form… I don’t get it.  And, gentlemen, what in the freakin’ world is Sentry talking about a hurricane in Bogota for?  The city sits on the top of a mountain range.  A hurricane would have to travel inland about 200 miles over 3 mountain ranges over 4000 meters tall and that’s if it hit the closest coast.  Not gonna happen.  At least in the 26 years my wife and her family lived in Bogota, no.  I can only assume that Reed and Tony are messing with the Sentry’s head in order to control him down the line somewhere.

Irresponsible Speculation

Not a lot to go on yet, but I will tell you that based on over fourty years of Hulk-history: Doc Samson is going to get beaten so incredibly, so savagely, that there is a 100% chance he is about to have a future imperfect.  Rimshot, please.

Of course, a blogosphere extravaganza is the Coffeespy way of saying: “I will disguise my dearth of original writing by linking shamelessly to more fertile grounds.”  But fear not, dear reader, for only the best (or worst) get linked by Coffeespy HQ and the mighty Internet BS Machine!

And without further ado, let the freaking-you-out marathon commence!  To get you into the right mood, here are some dinosaurs flying fighter jets:

If you haven’t already gone blind from the audaciousness (I’ll send Obama my nickel later) of the king of lizards in a fighter cockpit, try to hold on a bit longer as I reveal the Born Again Redneck Yogi’s post on what could be the equivalent of a campaign H-bomb — a Thompson/Giuliani ticket:

I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see a Fred/Rudy ticket. It’s a winning combo in this media-driven celebri-culture. I’m not an idealist and that would suit me fine. How about you?

Look, don’t be lazy.  Follow the link and read his post.  It’s a short and sweet on why this may come to pass.  Unfortunately, the Internet BS Machine has yet to match Rudy for his superhero sidekick, but Fred has the most ringing endorsement to date.  As Frank Miller might put it: He’s the goddamn Batman!

Honestly, if a Fred/Rudy (Frudy?) ticket comes to pass I think the announcement might go something like this:

That’s right, I dared.  I have invoked the jade giant’s visage.  How could I not when the dialogue was so utterly appropriate: “Puny humans.  I have come to smash.  And you should know who’s to blame.”  Oh, we know, Frudy, we know.

While we here at Coffeespy HQ are content to see the world in the four-color purity of denial, the Redneck of Supreme Serenity is hampered by things like integrity and realism.  He’s not about to say Fred is the equivalent of Reagan Reborn.  Back to the Dharma of BARY:

A word of caution to the romantics - Fred is not the Dalai Lama. He is a seasoned politician who has lived in the Virginia suburbs of DC for 30 years and has lobbied for some pretty iffy causes.

Are Fred’s supporters ready to handle reality? I am. Why? Because he’s electable and mostly sincere about his support for conservative clients.

Speaking of sincere support for conservative clients, that crazy Rick Moran brings us a sobering look at Giuliani distancing himself from, in the vernacular of the Nuthouse, “Typhoid Larry”:

The most marked retreat from support for the President among the frontrunners has been by Rudy Guiliani, who invoked the name of Reagan in an unflattering comparison to the current President:

Right Wing Nuthouse goes on to use tools like facts, figures, and even reason rendering it unusable by Coffeespy HQ, but good for you to go read nonetheless — unless your brain is already full.

Finally, we come to the last entry in our Tuesday Blogosphere Extravaganza!  If you are still able to cling to your keyboard by your fingernails after reading the face-pounding majesty of the wisdom above, then your efforts are not in vain.  I have discovered the finest guest blogger the internet has ever produced on a third monday in a month of June in which a Fantastic Four movie has been released.  I give you the Coastwatcher guest blogging at I Think ^(Link) Therefore I Err:

If there is another attack on this country, the Left will scream it was orchestrated by President Bush. The Right will call for a response, and the center will look to be kept safe. They won’t look left.

As with the Nuthouse post, there is reason, logic, and even a certain recognizable sanity — rendering it unusable by Coffeespy HQ personnel.  It also comes with the same warning: Go read it to get smarter, unless your brain is already full.

And there you have it.  A toe-curling whirlwind of political punditry encompassing the mightiest potential ticket since the Lincoln/Roosevelt run to the self-shriveling Democratic Party ploy.  But don’t you fret, we’ll reload the Coffeespy Cannons and be back soon to take more potshots at the feet of titans!

I have finally received a spam message so strange that I cannot help but reprint it here:

Free cartoon pokemon porn…

Oh, where to begin.

First, nice to know it’s free.  The idea that the author felt the need to let me know it’s cartoon pokemon porn, and not real pokemon being violated, leaves me wondering if it came from a crazy man or if there is something I need to know about the world — perhaps I’ve always known and constructed elaborate denial mechanisms to deal with it. 

Whether it’s real or cartoon, I do find myself wondering if they’re using male or female pokemon and if the performers filled out the age of consent forms.  Finally, instead of ending in an enthusiastic exclamation mark, we’re given the apathetic three periods.  While I’m sure this is an advertisment, I’m left with the image of an adult bookstore clerk who has realized his life has been spent as a functionary to society’s masturbatory pursuits and discovered the glamour to be gone.

Let us not forget about potential poke-puns for film titles:

• Bulba’s Sore - The tale of a grass pokemon and his demanding master.
• Squirtle’s Squirtle - I didn’t really have to work too hard for that one.
• Team Rocket in My Pocket - See what happens when Ash decides to be bad… really, really bad!

Now I’m off to take a shower.  Oh, welcome to Google’s “I’m Feeling Lucky” visitors.  Sorry to disappoint.

It should be obvious by now that we here at Coffeespy HQ tend to take a “unique” perspective on political issues.  By “unique” I mean we freak you out with our awesome!  It should come as no surprise that immigration reform will not be treated any differently.

While most blogs are talking about the unceasing flood of immigrants from across our southern border and the possibility that terrorists could mingle amongst them, I defy these pundits to explain how a few million Latinos could possibly be more important than the prospect of global destruction itself.  That’s right, you know where this is going.  And you’re only going to hear it from the policy department at Coffeespy HQ.

I am speaking, of course, of the world-threatening immigration of the Transformers!

These undocumented warriors began emigrating from Japan in 1983.  At first, they were simply limited to the American toy market.  But in 1984, failing to adapt to American culture, they made the jump to the cartoon market.  This may seem innocuous at first, but consider the audience: Millions of impressionable American children.  Fast forward to 2007 and the Transformers are about to make the jump into the mainstream.  Mainstreaming could lead to things like interracial bathing!

Rather than adapt to American culture, these robots that disguise themselves as objects ranging from portable CD players to fighter jets have infected our youth and penetrated into the very heart of the American dream where all of our national values are enshrined for posterity: Hollywood!  They are so pervasive, that national treasure, Michael Bay, has taken on their story.

We all know of the stereotype: Hard working Autobots are here to defend us and strengthen our nation.  In contrast, there is a second stereotype of the vicious criminal Decepticon.  Liberal wisdom would have us welcome these Autobots under the assumption that they battle what many Americans will not and at the same time rehabilitate the vile Decepticons.  Conservative wisdom would tell us that any Transformer in the United States should be considered a Decepticon because they shouldn’t be here in the first place.  The Coffeespy HQ Policy Department suggests the truth lay somewhere in between.

The Autobots comment on the resurrection of the immigration bill:

Autobots have sacrificed alongside the uber-American G.I. Joes, yet not a single Autobot has ever been granted citizenship to the United States.  This is a travesty of immigration policy!

Get rid of the Decepticons.  Keep the Autobots.  And for Seibertron’s sake, build us a damn forcefield!  To fail in passing something effective and sensible now will only lead to the further corruption of our culture by these mechanical minions of migration.  Do not dare to doubt me, fellow Americans.  The penalty is an army of cultural abominationerds.  And, really, didn’t George Lucas already give us enough of those?

Warning: LINK WHORAGE SO BLATANT YOU MAY NEED EYE PROTECTION!

• Get instasmart on instacitizenship at Instapundit, the fastest pundit alive!
• Consult Malkin, Princess of Powerfully Prodigious Political Punditry.
• See what Maggie has written in her Notebook.  Don’t forget: Decepticons!  Immigrant crime is bad, but Decepticons will disintegrate your Prius!  Hell, a Decepticon may be your Prius!
• Behold the might of the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler!  He attempts to use numbers and reason in the battle for realistic reform.  It’s a strategy so insane in its lunacy, it just may work.
• Finally, the most Coffeespy-ish name I’ve yet to read on the blogosphere: the Born Again Redneck Yogi!  That’s right, brave reader, this man offers wisdom of the spiritually resurrected and centered through the lense of a shotgun-wielding pick-up truck driver.  Do not miss this opportunity.  A man of such a combination could implode reality at any moment!

Terri from I Think ^(Link) Therefore I Err says it’s too nice to blog about bad stuff today and has, instead, turned her chance to opine into a chance to bovine.  All I can say is:

Calf blogging!  You can’t stop it, you can only hope to contain it!

Adapted to our own particular idiom, of course: