The Coffeespy

As promised, Coffeespy HQ is covering the guerra de gamma sweeping the nation.

Here is this week’s, err… last week’s casualty list.

Confirmed smashed:

1. Several people in boats
2. Several people standing on docks
3. Hercules
4. Every Iron Man Armor except the Stealth Armor
5. …then the Stealth Armor
6. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters’ front gate
7. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters’ front door
8. Rockslide of the X-Men
9. The arms of Rockslide
10. The legs of Rockslide
11. Mercury of the X-Men
12. Surge of the X-Men
13. Hellion of the X-Men
14. An X-Man I don’t know and they don’t name
15. That teenage girl Wolverine wanna-be X-Man
16. A red sports car

Suspected smashed:

1. A lot of Sentinels

When I say Hercules got smashed… I mean he really got smashed.

The KAPOW Count:

1. Click x2
2. WHHAKOOOM!
3. Tappety
4. Tap x4
5. Crrreeeaak!
6. WHAKOOOM! x2
7. SMASH
8. WHAKOOM! x2
9. Crash
10. KABOOM!
11. BRAKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM (Yes, I counted the Os)
12. VOOOSH
13. KRAKOOM
14. KRAAAK!
15. SSHHHRRAKKK
16. CH-CHOOM
17. VVVMMM
18. FASSHH
19. KA-WHOOOOOM
20. SHNK
21. SHTHUNK
22. THOOOM
23. SHREEEE x2
24. BRROOOOMMM
25. KRAKKABA-THROOM!
26. THOOOOOM
27. THOOM x3
28. KRASSHH
29. KA-WHAMMM
30. BOOOM
31. KRRRK
32. SHRAMMM
33. BTOOM
34. KRNCH
35. FSSHHH
36. KRAK
37. THRAMM
38. RRUNCH x2
39. RRRIPP x2
40. SHLUKT
41. SHHZZZZZZ
42. WHRAM
43. THWAMMM
44. SKRAMMMM
45. SHHHTHUNK
46. SHRRIIPP
47. WHABOOM
48. KOOOM
49. KTANG
50. BADAKOOM

KRAKKABA-THROOM! makes a strong reappearance as the sound of the Hulk colliding with Iron Man. I said it before, I’ll say it again: Three syllables in the first word, hyphenated, all caps, and ending in an exclamation point — that pretty much hits all the evaluation categories for world class sound effects.

Also, RRUNCH and RRRIPP are each used twice because each arm being ripped from Rockslide’s body (and then thrown to Connecticut) deserved their own sound.

Factoids:

1. For some reason a gang of adolescent mutants have a better chance of taking out the Hulk than Iron Man.
2. The Hulk has the ability to be at the X-Mansion and kicking Hercules’ butt at the same time.
3. Angel is a tactical idiot.

Analysis
None… there’s not much to analyze this week. But I’ll say this, at least:

Best preposterous violence of the series so far… watching Rockslides arms disappear in the distance like a Barry Bonds out-of-the-parker while the Hulk delivers his one-liner is absolute, whole-grain geek-fuel.

Irresponsible Speculation
Charles Xavier will answer the Hulk in a manner not to his liking resulting in more smash.

Tony Stark isn’t as smashed as we would like to believe.

Doc Samson is still about to pee himself, knowing that he cannot go through any story involving the Hulk and remain un-smashed.

That’s right, puny humans, the Hulk has landed.

For literary coverage of the event, seek out Geek in the City or The Savage Critic.  And if you’re up for some good old-fashioned kissin’ cousin action, see Occassional Superheroine.  At Coffeespy, though, you’re going to get the full analytical treatment complete with statistics, factoids, and irresponsible speculation!

Let’s get to the casualties for Issue #1.

Confirmed smashed:

1. A random asteroid 
2. Black Bolt - Person
3. Satellites Baker David Five, Six and Nine
4. An unknown number of windows
5. Tony Stark’s injected nanite plan
6. Several walls
7. A Central Park clearing
8. The Avengers tower (pretty much the whole thing)
9. Iron Man - Person

 Suspected smashed:

1. A bunch of other asteroids 
2. Medusa - Person
3. Several pairs of eardrums
4. Doc Samson’s hopes he wouldn’t be beaten to a pulpy resin

At the end of one issue we’re at 2 confirmed smashed people, possibly 3 or more if we’re to believe the entire Avengers tower was evacuated.  Property damage was probably kept to under a billion during this opening salvo.

Now, on to the KAPOWs, appearing in chronological order:

1. Bip x 6
2. WHAKOOOM!
3. Beep x 4
4. VOOOOM!
5. WHAKOOOM!
6. SPAKOOM! x 3
7. RRRAAAAAAA!
8. KAVOOOOM!
9. Beep x 15
10. KRAKKABA-THROOM!

It should be noted that WHAKOOOM! (item 2) occurred on the moon which had some funky atmospheric thing going on where you could hear the Hulk land, hear people talk, but not hear any other sound effect including a full-on Black Bolt blast.  WHAKOOOM! (item 5) occurred on the earth and had a much more solid appearance further strengthening the idea that the moon atmosphere was a bit wonky.  Also, the second WHAKOOOM! was the result of the She-Hulk so we may also opine that female WHAKOOM!s are smaller but more solid than the male variety.  Or, again, moon air is weird.

While there were certainly more “Beep” effects than any other, it is the KRAKKABA-THROOM! effect that steals the show.  Three syllables in the first word, hyphenated, all caps, and ending in an exclamation point — that pretty much hits all the evaluation categories for world class sound effects.

Strange Factoids:

1. Scan operator #2 in Cheyenne, Wyoming is a total slob who talks with a mouth full of burger over the defense communications network.
2. Iron Man and the Hulk colliding in mid-air at mega-jaw-clenching-rage-speed will produce a soundless shockwave.
3. Channel 7 helicopter pilots are friggin’ insane!
4. Two words: Soundless missiles…
5. Avengers Tower was completely constructed from sound-proof material.

The Channel 7 helicopter pilot, right after surviving the soundless shockwave mentioned under Factoid 2, flies to within meters of Iron Man and the Hulk locked in skull-shattering combat in mid-air.  Balls… of… iron.

Analysis

Black Bolt - First, the Inhumans are doomed with a leader like Black Bolt.  The man is either a cold-blooded killer, a moron so stupid his very existence relies on his autonomic nervous system, or some combination of both.  Black Bolt, a man who blows up cities with his voice, blasts the Hulk because he grabbed his arm.  Ok, ok, maybe a warning shot, right?  No, Black Bolt turns his back on the Hulk either believing: 1) Hulk is dead or 2) … No idea.  Hulk 1, Black Bolt 0.

To add to Black Bolt’s defeat, he is held up like a battered cheerleader during Hulk’s broadcast to the world as an example of what happens to resisting old jade jaws.  Black Bolt punked on a global scale means Hulk 2, Black Bolt 0.

Finally, we never see Black Bolt again.  I guess he’s been stuffed and put in Hulk’s quarters.  Hulk 3, Black Bolt 0 - Hat-trick, Hulk!

Hulk’s Public Affairs Staff - Holy awesome!  Within seconds of arriving in the atmosphere, the Hulk Public Affairs Staff has already hacked into the world.  We’ve seen what a couple cable networks and some print news outlets can do for Iraq, I suspect the Hulk could conquer earth in the matter of weeks without having to fight a single battle.

Tony Stark’s Plan - Was there one?  Looked a lot like “charge Hulk and hope.”  They fired missiles at him for a coup d’état?!  T-Bolt Ross spends decades chasing Hulk with conventional weaponry and Tony has a couple missiles fired at him…  Ah well, you know Iron Man’s going to get it because the missiles gave Hulk just enough time to have a meaningful montage flashback - and that spells doom for a foe.

The Sentry - I have no idea.  Every time I read more Sentry material I get more confused.  A thousand exploding suns, kid who looks like a meth addict, no more than three words per talking bubble while in Sentry form… I don’t get it.  And, gentlemen, what in the freakin’ world is Sentry talking about a hurricane in Bogota for?  The city sits on the top of a mountain range.  A hurricane would have to travel inland about 200 miles over 3 mountain ranges over 4000 meters tall and that’s if it hit the closest coast.  Not gonna happen.  At least in the 26 years my wife and her family lived in Bogota, no.  I can only assume that Reed and Tony are messing with the Sentry’s head in order to control him down the line somewhere.

Irresponsible Speculation

Not a lot to go on yet, but I will tell you that based on over fourty years of Hulk-history: Doc Samson is going to get beaten so incredibly, so savagely, that there is a 100% chance he is about to have a future imperfect.  Rimshot, please.