The Coffeespy

Of course, a blogosphere extravaganza is the Coffeespy way of saying: “I will disguise my dearth of original writing by linking shamelessly to more fertile grounds.”  But fear not, dear reader, for only the best (or worst) get linked by Coffeespy HQ and the mighty Internet BS Machine!

And without further ado, let the freaking-you-out marathon commence!  To get you into the right mood, here are some dinosaurs flying fighter jets:

If you haven’t already gone blind from the audaciousness (I’ll send Obama my nickel later) of the king of lizards in a fighter cockpit, try to hold on a bit longer as I reveal the Born Again Redneck Yogi’s post on what could be the equivalent of a campaign H-bomb — a Thompson/Giuliani ticket:

I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see a Fred/Rudy ticket. It’s a winning combo in this media-driven celebri-culture. I’m not an idealist and that would suit me fine. How about you?

Look, don’t be lazy.  Follow the link and read his post.  It’s a short and sweet on why this may come to pass.  Unfortunately, the Internet BS Machine has yet to match Rudy for his superhero sidekick, but Fred has the most ringing endorsement to date.  As Frank Miller might put it: He’s the goddamn Batman!

Honestly, if a Fred/Rudy (Frudy?) ticket comes to pass I think the announcement might go something like this:

That’s right, I dared.  I have invoked the jade giant’s visage.  How could I not when the dialogue was so utterly appropriate: “Puny humans.  I have come to smash.  And you should know who’s to blame.”  Oh, we know, Frudy, we know.

While we here at Coffeespy HQ are content to see the world in the four-color purity of denial, the Redneck of Supreme Serenity is hampered by things like integrity and realism.  He’s not about to say Fred is the equivalent of Reagan Reborn.  Back to the Dharma of BARY:

A word of caution to the romantics - Fred is not the Dalai Lama. He is a seasoned politician who has lived in the Virginia suburbs of DC for 30 years and has lobbied for some pretty iffy causes.

Are Fred’s supporters ready to handle reality? I am. Why? Because he’s electable and mostly sincere about his support for conservative clients.

Speaking of sincere support for conservative clients, that crazy Rick Moran brings us a sobering look at Giuliani distancing himself from, in the vernacular of the Nuthouse, “Typhoid Larry”:

The most marked retreat from support for the President among the frontrunners has been by Rudy Guiliani, who invoked the name of Reagan in an unflattering comparison to the current President:

Right Wing Nuthouse goes on to use tools like facts, figures, and even reason rendering it unusable by Coffeespy HQ, but good for you to go read nonetheless — unless your brain is already full.

Finally, we come to the last entry in our Tuesday Blogosphere Extravaganza!  If you are still able to cling to your keyboard by your fingernails after reading the face-pounding majesty of the wisdom above, then your efforts are not in vain.  I have discovered the finest guest blogger the internet has ever produced on a third monday in a month of June in which a Fantastic Four movie has been released.  I give you the Coastwatcher guest blogging at I Think ^(Link) Therefore I Err:

If there is another attack on this country, the Left will scream it was orchestrated by President Bush. The Right will call for a response, and the center will look to be kept safe. They won’t look left.

As with the Nuthouse post, there is reason, logic, and even a certain recognizable sanity — rendering it unusable by Coffeespy HQ personnel.  It also comes with the same warning: Go read it to get smarter, unless your brain is already full.

And there you have it.  A toe-curling whirlwind of political punditry encompassing the mightiest potential ticket since the Lincoln/Roosevelt run to the self-shriveling Democratic Party ploy.  But don’t you fret, we’ll reload the Coffeespy Cannons and be back soon to take more potshots at the feet of titans!

A quick round-up for those just joining us.

The Internet BS Machine has been matching presidential candidates with their most appropriate superhero sidekick.  Five candidates have received the treatment thus far:

1. Hillary Clinton and Plastic Man
2. Fred Thompson and Batman
3. Barack Obama and Captain America’s Shield
4. Mike Huckabee and Iceman
5. George Phillies and Flatman

Stay tuned for more sidekick silliness, oh disciples of democracy!

From Orcinus, May 30, 2007:

So I think it’s a fairly easy prediction that looming Democratic rule, already manifesting itself in Congress and likely to consolidate with the presidency next election season, will produce an upswing in far-right activity, particularly the spread of conspiracy theories, fearmongering, and bogus smear campaigns.

Emphasis given by the Coffeespy Internet BS Machine.

From Orcinus, June 6, 2007:

If America ever becomes a fascist state, it will be Ron Paul’s long-time followers who bring it about. And we — progressives, miniorities, feminists, gays, “intellectuals,” and Jews like Maher and Stewart — with be the first ones to feel their genocidal rage.

Fear not, avid readers.  Wonder Woman has been dispatched to take care of the problem:

Internet BS Machine Match:

George Phillies has been matched with Flatman… because unless you’re really into either politics or comic books, you’ve never heard of either of them.

Flatman is an openly gay member of the Great Lakes Avengers.  The team’s leader, Mr. Immortal, claims to be the next evolutionary step for humans and calls himself a homo supreme.  This has caused some jealousy between Flatman and Mr. Immortal due to Flatman confusing the meaning of Mr. Immortal’s title.  Similarly, Phillies no doubt harbors extreme jealousy of any candidate from the Republican or Democratic parties because he also mistakenly believes himself to be a contender for the presidency.

Finally, Flatman is often looked upon as a joke of a superhero, but he has incredible skill when it comes to detection and deductive reasoning, which is a real danger to criminals.  Phillies isn’t really looked upon as a candidate, but that doesn’t stop him from being an active ACLU member, which is a real danger to people with common sense.

The 2D Avenger meets the 2-Vote Candidate.  I smell history baking, my friends.

Internet BS Machine Match:

The *snicker* “contender” from Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, has been matched with the clever quipping Iceman of the X-Men.  This is mainly because both of them have a snowball’s chance in hell. 

Both men are known for thier snappy banter, but let’s be honest: reading your DVD player’s technical manual might seem hilarious compared to a Republican debate right now.  Seriously, out of valium?  Flip on Huckabee and Mitt going at each other over immigration reform.  You’re snoozing along and in a half-dream state you hear “John Edwards at a hair salon.”  Oyooooo!  Whatta riot.

Also, Iceman is, or at least was, known as the child-like member of the team seeing things with a sense of wonder and a certain irresponsibility.  Huckabee is child-like in his love of fairy tales, particularly creationism.

Iceman is in constant danger of being sent to a concentration camp by those who despise mutant-kind.  Huckabee jokes about being ensconced in a concentration camp by the Democratic Party.  Oh that Huckabee…

Finally, Iceman has a habit of making decisions that aren’t exactly… thought out.  Huckabee?  Well, two words: Wayne Dumond.

Internet BS Machine Match:

Political wunderkind Barack Obama has been matched with Captain America…. ’s shield.  The Internet BS Machine was unable to match the senator from Illinois with a complete superhero because superheroes generally have more substance to their personality.  It was able to match him to a hollow piece of metal painted red, white, and blue.

Both Obama and the shield are tools wielded by their respective masters.  Just like Captain America throws his mighty shield, Obama votes straight down the party line as noted at Vote-Smart.org under his record.  You can also check out his interest group ratings.

Also, both Obama and the shield look good from the front, but when you get to what’s behind them you find relatively little.  Obama, for example, has his “Walk for Change” and talks of the “Audacity of Hope.”  What does all that mean?  I dunno, but it sounds darn positive!  The shield is painted in the colors of Old Glory making me feel really patriotic and hopeful, but even a red, white, and blue crowbar will leave a big mark when it whacks you in the face.

Lastly, the shield is an alloy of Wakandan vibranium and adamantium, the hardest substance on earth.  The alloy cannot be duplicated and is, quite literally, the most expensive piece of metal on the planet.  Obama is relying on his mixture of liberalism, social conservatism (due to someone calling him religious once, don’t get the idea he’s against gay marriage, abortion, or any other social conservative cause beginning in anti-), and large marketing staff to make him the most expensive candidate in the world.  If Hillary didn’t have Plastic Man stretching her dollars, he might well succeed.

Outside the Beltway asks:

I wonder which candidates will accept the invites?

…to Univisión’s presidential debate in Spanish.  From the Miami Herald:

Univisión, the most popular Spanish-language television network in the United States, has invited the Democrats and Republicans running for president to South Florida for the nation’s first-ever presidential debates conducted in Spanish.

With special commentary, here’s Captain America:

This morning, all retrievable data on Fred Thompson was fed into the Internet BS Machine.  Within microseconds, the task of matching the undeclared poll-slayer was complete.

Internet BS Machine Match:

Just like Batman’s utility belt, Fred Thompson could have the perfect device for every situation… or he might just be an empty piece of practical ornamentation.  Who knows?  Both men lead double lives, one in the public eye and the other in pursuit of “law and order.”  Rimshot, please.  The other obvious similarity is that when most voters imagine the pair as the President of the United States, the next thing they think is, “it could be cool… or it could really, really suck.”

Fred Thompson has been a senator, making a run at the White House a “Return of the Dark Horse” if you will.  “Return of the Dark Knight” is arguably one of the finest Batman tales ever told.

Where Batman will come in handy to Fred, though, is with his ability to show up in the last panel of a Justice League story and reveal that he’s already planned the defeat of their enemies, moved everything they need into place, and only has to throw out a few one-liners and let nature take its course.

If Fred is going to wait until the last second to spring his election engine upon the currently campaigning cadre, he will need something tailor-made to pull off an election upset.  Hopefully the Dark Knight has the kryptonite Fred will need to weaken the Last Daughter of Kryptonsas.

Here at Coffeespy HQ we have several very hi-tech pieces of equipment, not least of which is the Internet Brain Simulation Machine (Internet BS Machine for short).  This machine is special in that even while I am not directly working with it, it continues to generate BS.  Yesterday, it generated perhaps the most electrifying idea of all time.

Thus, a series of feature articles are headed your way, of which this will be the first.

It is with great pride and supreme fanfare I present to you, loyal reader: Superhero Sidekick ‘08!  That’s right, the Coffeespy Internet BS Machine will be matching each major candidate with a superhero sidekick.

First up?  Hillary Clinton.

Internet BS Machine Match:

Plastic Man is able to transform himself into whatever the moment calls for, reshaping his image by sheer force of will within the blink of an eye!  This is precisely what the Capitol Hill Chameleon will need at her side.  Who else among the candidates can be elected to the senate by barking fluent moonbat only to seek the office of the president by claiming a moderate streak runs straight up her spine?

Now some of you may be asking, why not Elastic Man?  He’s as pliable as Plastic Man and much, much more intelligent.  Aha!  This is exactly why the bendable Ralph Dibny cannot stand as Clinton’s cohort — he’s smart.  You see, Dibny would see right through this:

1. Hillary presents herself as a very intelligent woman, and by all accounts she is.
2. She chides the president for being a moronic chimp, and it’s true he is from Texas.
3. She then claims she was tricked into voting for the Iraq War by… well, the president.

Ralph Dibny, armed with the lethal combination of common sense and attention span longer than MSNBC sound-bites, would see right through this ruse.  The same goes for Reed Richards or Plastic Man’s son, Offspring (by virtue of completing high school).

Plastic Man’s secret identity, Patrick “Eel” O’Brian, was one major mobster in his time, until his accident and subsequent spiritual transformation by a monastic brotherhood.  This will allow him to empathize with Hillary over whatever dark deed she will find splattered across the Washington Post… well, okay, Fox News come October ‘08. 

Finally, who else in Washington is able to bounce back from scandal like the Clintons?  Plastic Man’s sidekick, Woozy Winkins, is described as “a doofus who was originally magically enchanted so that nature itself would protect him from harm… became simply a dumb but loyal friend of Plastic Man.”  Dump the part about loyal and you have Bill!  A match made in heaven, if by heaven you mean a circus complete with human sideshows and fire spitters.  Plastic Man will need every shred of elasticity and bombastitude to keep up with the rollercoaster, bumper car trainwreck that will be another Clinton campaign run.  But he’s also the only one who can do it.

Stay tuned for part II where the Internet BS Machine matches the only candidate who is not yet a candidate: Fred Thompson!

In a step seemingly calculated to distance himself from Ahmadinejad and David Duke’s Holocaust Denial Conference of 2006, John Edwards has gone the other way with this one and decided to deny the Global War on Terror as a myth (you know, like unicorns and stuff).  From the AP story:

Democrat John Edwards Wednesday repudiated the notion that there is a “global war on terror,” calling it an ideological doctrine advanced by the Bush administration that has strained American military resources and emboldened terrorists.

Nevermind that Edwards voted to authorize the invasion of Iraq, he was fooled by the diabolically clever Bush administration.  How was he fooled?  Something about a bumper sticker…

Anyway, Nick Fury, the former leader of S.H.I.E.L.D. was reached for comment:

Colonel Fury looks a little busy so we’ll leave him to it.