The Coffeespy

As promised, Coffeespy HQ is covering the guerra de gamma sweeping the nation.

Here is this week’s, err… last week’s casualty list.

Confirmed smashed:

1. Several people in boats
2. Several people standing on docks
3. Hercules
4. Every Iron Man Armor except the Stealth Armor
5. …then the Stealth Armor
6. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters’ front gate
7. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters’ front door
8. Rockslide of the X-Men
9. The arms of Rockslide
10. The legs of Rockslide
11. Mercury of the X-Men
12. Surge of the X-Men
13. Hellion of the X-Men
14. An X-Man I don’t know and they don’t name
15. That teenage girl Wolverine wanna-be X-Man
16. A red sports car

Suspected smashed:

1. A lot of Sentinels

When I say Hercules got smashed… I mean he really got smashed.

The KAPOW Count:

1. Click x2
2. WHHAKOOOM!
3. Tappety
4. Tap x4
5. Crrreeeaak!
6. WHAKOOOM! x2
7. SMASH
8. WHAKOOM! x2
9. Crash
10. KABOOM!
11. BRAKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM (Yes, I counted the Os)
12. VOOOSH
13. KRAKOOM
14. KRAAAK!
15. SSHHHRRAKKK
16. CH-CHOOM
17. VVVMMM
18. FASSHH
19. KA-WHOOOOOM
20. SHNK
21. SHTHUNK
22. THOOOM
23. SHREEEE x2
24. BRROOOOMMM
25. KRAKKABA-THROOM!
26. THOOOOOM
27. THOOM x3
28. KRASSHH
29. KA-WHAMMM
30. BOOOM
31. KRRRK
32. SHRAMMM
33. BTOOM
34. KRNCH
35. FSSHHH
36. KRAK
37. THRAMM
38. RRUNCH x2
39. RRRIPP x2
40. SHLUKT
41. SHHZZZZZZ
42. WHRAM
43. THWAMMM
44. SKRAMMMM
45. SHHHTHUNK
46. SHRRIIPP
47. WHABOOM
48. KOOOM
49. KTANG
50. BADAKOOM

KRAKKABA-THROOM! makes a strong reappearance as the sound of the Hulk colliding with Iron Man. I said it before, I’ll say it again: Three syllables in the first word, hyphenated, all caps, and ending in an exclamation point — that pretty much hits all the evaluation categories for world class sound effects.

Also, RRUNCH and RRRIPP are each used twice because each arm being ripped from Rockslide’s body (and then thrown to Connecticut) deserved their own sound.

Factoids:

1. For some reason a gang of adolescent mutants have a better chance of taking out the Hulk than Iron Man.
2. The Hulk has the ability to be at the X-Mansion and kicking Hercules’ butt at the same time.
3. Angel is a tactical idiot.

Analysis
None… there’s not much to analyze this week. But I’ll say this, at least:

Best preposterous violence of the series so far… watching Rockslides arms disappear in the distance like a Barry Bonds out-of-the-parker while the Hulk delivers his one-liner is absolute, whole-grain geek-fuel.

Irresponsible Speculation
Charles Xavier will answer the Hulk in a manner not to his liking resulting in more smash.

Tony Stark isn’t as smashed as we would like to believe.

Doc Samson is still about to pee himself, knowing that he cannot go through any story involving the Hulk and remain un-smashed.

Are you conservative? Are you tired of the political parallels writers are drawing between their personal beliefs and their characters? Did Civil War leave you with most of your stomach bile lying in front of you, demanding you stop reading stories where Captain America surrenders and is then killed? Then, my friend, you need The Immortal Iron Fist. Why? Allow me to demonstrate. Our story opens with kung fu drinking games to the death! That's right, a guy named "the Last Lightning Lord" has challenged a hard-drinking stud of Iron Fist lore to a drinking game operating under the "Lost Drinking Laws of the Me-Lao." Not only that, but he's using the three Chalices of Xu-Ma! While you might be thinking "there's no way this could be any more awesome" I have to inform you that the panels preceding the drinking game had the same two-fisted, fighting yankee insult a man by implying he was of French lineage. And with that, the Immortal Iron Fist #6 was off. We flash forward to Danny Rand, the current Iron Fist, and another man claiming to possess a part of the Iron Fist power. However, this man doesn't punch people, he shoots, and I shit you not, kung fu powered pistols which, according to issue #4, fire blasts "like lightning from the hand of God." Suck it, Dirty Harry. The pair are surrounded by a legion of Hydra troops, evil kung fu bird women, and a guy named the Steel Serpent who is so badass he actually transfers his collected grudges from one generation to the next. What follows? Iron Fist: We're dooooomed. Ordon Randall, the kung fu pistol guy: Less talking. More kicking. That's right, preposterous violence! Iron Fist actually fights the entire battle with an ancient kung fu tome in one hand! Dear Lord, did I mention I love this book? It only gets better as the original Heroes for Hire arrive to protect Rand Industries, the Iron Fist's company, from the hordes of Hydra. In no particular order: Luke Cage - The updated 1970s Power Man with steel-hard skin, urban one-liners, and an injury recovery time 66% faster than a normal human. Colleen Wing - Crazy, katana-wielding white girl making sure her samurai heritage graces the pages of at least two titles at all times. Misty Knight - Smooth talking sister who's bionic arm is only matched in strength by her impressive afro. More preposterous violence occurs, then we finally get to the Heroes for Hire stance on gay marriage: It might be nice, but it's ultimately impractical… besides, both Colleen and Misty are passed around the Marvel Universe like the Infinity Gauntlet. Rimshot, please. Soon after, the Steel Serpent absorbs the kung fu bird women, causes a huge pink explosion knocking the manliness from his opponents, and kicks kung fu pistol man in the chin so hard all his chi runs and hides in his chest. Just "ow." Before he can finish the job and drop kick Iron Fist back to K'un-Lun, the Heroes for Hire show up, throw out some witty banter, and give Danny enough time to do what any man should do with a dying brother in arms: plunge your hands into his exploding chest in order to take his chi! I mean, that's what I'd do. Iron Fist straightens himself up and says what I love to hear in comics more than anything else besides "Hulk smash!": I have the best kung fu. Major flying violence will always follow these words, and Iron Fist #6 does not disappoint. The pair drop kick each other causing a chi explosion taking out not one… not two… but three floors of Rand's skyscraper, after which the Steel Serpent retreats with pink magic. Sissy. Just about when you think the book can't get any better, it ends with Lei Kung the Thunderer, original trainer of Iron Fist, and Yu-Ti, the August Personage in Jade, lord of K'un-Lun, man of 1000 titles, and impersonator of Cobra Commander, showing up in a bright green cloud of tai chi goodness to let Danny know he is needed to fight in a pan-dimensional tournament for the fate of the world. If this book were a samurai sword, it would have been folded 10,000 times by Fonzie. It's that cool. Iron Fist for president.

That’s right, puny humans, the Hulk has landed.

For literary coverage of the event, seek out Geek in the City or The Savage Critic.  And if you’re up for some good old-fashioned kissin’ cousin action, see Occassional Superheroine.  At Coffeespy, though, you’re going to get the full analytical treatment complete with statistics, factoids, and irresponsible speculation!

Let’s get to the casualties for Issue #1.

Confirmed smashed:

1. A random asteroid 
2. Black Bolt - Person
3. Satellites Baker David Five, Six and Nine
4. An unknown number of windows
5. Tony Stark’s injected nanite plan
6. Several walls
7. A Central Park clearing
8. The Avengers tower (pretty much the whole thing)
9. Iron Man - Person

 Suspected smashed:

1. A bunch of other asteroids 
2. Medusa - Person
3. Several pairs of eardrums
4. Doc Samson’s hopes he wouldn’t be beaten to a pulpy resin

At the end of one issue we’re at 2 confirmed smashed people, possibly 3 or more if we’re to believe the entire Avengers tower was evacuated.  Property damage was probably kept to under a billion during this opening salvo.

Now, on to the KAPOWs, appearing in chronological order:

1. Bip x 6
2. WHAKOOOM!
3. Beep x 4
4. VOOOOM!
5. WHAKOOOM!
6. SPAKOOM! x 3
7. RRRAAAAAAA!
8. KAVOOOOM!
9. Beep x 15
10. KRAKKABA-THROOM!

It should be noted that WHAKOOOM! (item 2) occurred on the moon which had some funky atmospheric thing going on where you could hear the Hulk land, hear people talk, but not hear any other sound effect including a full-on Black Bolt blast.  WHAKOOOM! (item 5) occurred on the earth and had a much more solid appearance further strengthening the idea that the moon atmosphere was a bit wonky.  Also, the second WHAKOOOM! was the result of the She-Hulk so we may also opine that female WHAKOOM!s are smaller but more solid than the male variety.  Or, again, moon air is weird.

While there were certainly more “Beep” effects than any other, it is the KRAKKABA-THROOM! effect that steals the show.  Three syllables in the first word, hyphenated, all caps, and ending in an exclamation point — that pretty much hits all the evaluation categories for world class sound effects.

Strange Factoids:

1. Scan operator #2 in Cheyenne, Wyoming is a total slob who talks with a mouth full of burger over the defense communications network.
2. Iron Man and the Hulk colliding in mid-air at mega-jaw-clenching-rage-speed will produce a soundless shockwave.
3. Channel 7 helicopter pilots are friggin’ insane!
4. Two words: Soundless missiles…
5. Avengers Tower was completely constructed from sound-proof material.

The Channel 7 helicopter pilot, right after surviving the soundless shockwave mentioned under Factoid 2, flies to within meters of Iron Man and the Hulk locked in skull-shattering combat in mid-air.  Balls… of… iron.

Analysis

Black Bolt - First, the Inhumans are doomed with a leader like Black Bolt.  The man is either a cold-blooded killer, a moron so stupid his very existence relies on his autonomic nervous system, or some combination of both.  Black Bolt, a man who blows up cities with his voice, blasts the Hulk because he grabbed his arm.  Ok, ok, maybe a warning shot, right?  No, Black Bolt turns his back on the Hulk either believing: 1) Hulk is dead or 2) … No idea.  Hulk 1, Black Bolt 0.

To add to Black Bolt’s defeat, he is held up like a battered cheerleader during Hulk’s broadcast to the world as an example of what happens to resisting old jade jaws.  Black Bolt punked on a global scale means Hulk 2, Black Bolt 0.

Finally, we never see Black Bolt again.  I guess he’s been stuffed and put in Hulk’s quarters.  Hulk 3, Black Bolt 0 - Hat-trick, Hulk!

Hulk’s Public Affairs Staff - Holy awesome!  Within seconds of arriving in the atmosphere, the Hulk Public Affairs Staff has already hacked into the world.  We’ve seen what a couple cable networks and some print news outlets can do for Iraq, I suspect the Hulk could conquer earth in the matter of weeks without having to fight a single battle.

Tony Stark’s Plan - Was there one?  Looked a lot like “charge Hulk and hope.”  They fired missiles at him for a coup d’état?!  T-Bolt Ross spends decades chasing Hulk with conventional weaponry and Tony has a couple missiles fired at him…  Ah well, you know Iron Man’s going to get it because the missiles gave Hulk just enough time to have a meaningful montage flashback - and that spells doom for a foe.

The Sentry - I have no idea.  Every time I read more Sentry material I get more confused.  A thousand exploding suns, kid who looks like a meth addict, no more than three words per talking bubble while in Sentry form… I don’t get it.  And, gentlemen, what in the freakin’ world is Sentry talking about a hurricane in Bogota for?  The city sits on the top of a mountain range.  A hurricane would have to travel inland about 200 miles over 3 mountain ranges over 4000 meters tall and that’s if it hit the closest coast.  Not gonna happen.  At least in the 26 years my wife and her family lived in Bogota, no.  I can only assume that Reed and Tony are messing with the Sentry’s head in order to control him down the line somewhere.

Irresponsible Speculation

Not a lot to go on yet, but I will tell you that based on over fourty years of Hulk-history: Doc Samson is going to get beaten so incredibly, so savagely, that there is a 100% chance he is about to have a future imperfect.  Rimshot, please.

I think I finally settled on a title for the weekly reviews (when I get to them, of course).  Due to the staggeringly small budget the Coffeespy operated on these days, this week’s take amounts to four issues.

Iron Man: Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. #18

The writing team on Iron Man is sheer genius.  Most people wouldn’t recognize the cosmic depth of their genius.  But I assure you, in order to keep a comic book at such an unwavering level of mediocrity is either divine intervention by whatever deity controls Limbo or writers of such ability that the only way they can safely express their unfathomable talents is to deliver staggeringly average tales week after week.

This week, the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier gets cancer.  I can only assume it was a contagious cancer the world’s most secure flying spybase got from all the unauthorized superheroes that snuck aboard to view Captain America’s body, and there was a parade of them.  Anyway, the cancer assimilates Tony’s best friend, Sal, and then Tony shows up and kills Sal about five minutes before he figures out he can destroy the cancer… which he does.

How long does Tony take to mourn killing yet another loved one?  Zippo.  He’s right back to analyzing who’s attacking him.

The best part of the book was the last page for the following reasons:

1. The Mandarin is on it.
2. The Mandarin’s “come back” is finally complete (it’s been going on for like three freaking issues).
3. There’s no more to read.

Omega Flight #3 of 5

What started off as a new series has been made into a limited because the first issues sucked so bad.  So far it’s been three issues of “I don’t want to join the team” from about half a dozen characters.  The only worthwhile heroes, USAgent and Beta Ray Bill, received no play time until this issue.

USAgent makes fun of Guardian for crying and Beta Ray Bill gets beat down… by the Wrecking Crew.  Marvel seems to be doing all it can to heap poop upon the power of Thor.

There is one single thing that catapults Omega Flight into instant classic status: It pisses off Canadians!  There is so much whining that Guardian is an American that I simply vibrate with excitement at reading their national pain in the comic book forums.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer #4

As long as you’ve seen the series and understand Joss Whedon’s writing, you can follow the dialogue.  Otherwise, it seems awkward in a comic book format.  The one thing I really hate, though, is trying to figure out who’s saying what.  All the girl-faces look the same.

Not much more to say on this.  Not sure if I’ll be picking it up past issue 5.

But don’t worry, this week of suck is made up for in:

Welcome to Tranquility #7

I love this title with the power of 1000 exploding suns!  Suck it, Sentry!

Why do I love thee so?  This is why:

Women kicking ass in pink bunny lingerie tossing out one-liners like, “I’m gonna shove something evil down YOUR throat,” how can you go wrong?!

Look, the city has a zombie for a gravedigger, a villain called Emoticon (who wears a faceplate that only shows emoticons), and ends in a sampler with the title “Comics Men Like!” including a shower scene that ends in rough and tumble combat on the bed.  The only way this book could get any better is if it pissed off Canadians!

I’m starting to see that all the wisdom of the world is inside our very own comic books.  Take Obama and Clinton bending to the cut and run crowd, for example.  You have two people who are hoping to lead the nation bowing to threats from far left groups.  From Reuters:

Obama and Clinton had refused to say how they would vote, but ultimately sided with opponents of the increasingly unpopular war. Liberal advocacy groups like MoveOn.org had warned Democrats who backed the measure of possible political consequences.

If there’s even a tiny bit of speculation that Clinton and Obama were voting with bipartisan support, it should be noted that the bill passed 280-142 in the House and 80-14 in the Senate.

Iraq’s a big, burly monster, it’s true.  But running isn’t going to make it go away.  What would Frank Castle do?  I give you an exerpt from issue 7 of the Punisher War Journal where he’s fenced in with a Nazi bull (that’s right, a Nazi bull):

I should have known reading She-Hulk would bring me nothing but grief.  On May 10th, I explained what was going on that would lead up to World War Hulk.  On May 23, I was finally able to purchase the comic with events predating those explained on May 10th.  By the time World War Hulk is finished, I will probably just be able to get to read the events of April 12, 1967 at this rate.

Marvel needs to stabilize their plotting across titles.  Their Avengers titles have these problems, too.

Anyway, in She-Hulk we learn that She-Hulk is pretty badass.  She batters Iron Man around for a few pages with ease until he stabs her with de-hulkifying nanites.  Apparently, while the Hulk was on Earth, Iron Man couldn’t develop these lovely items.  Now that they’re no longer needed, he’s not only invented them but had them integrated into his suit.  Oooookay…

In true American fashion, She-Hulk, now in her Jennifer Walters form, promises to destroy Tony Stark in a manner worse than a comic book brawl: she’s going to use her lawyer skills.  If Marvel turns THAT into a cross-over event, we’re truly nearing the end-times.

Countdown #51, #50, and #49 

51… 50… 49… Boom.  Dropped from my reading list.  I can only take so many pages of Jimmy Olsen.  And since the only supporting stories are Mary Marvel without powers and the villains of the Flash hanging out talking smack to each other… meh. 

Conan #40 

I was perusing the comic offerings at the shop after missing last week and ran across Conan #40.  I’d heard some good things but, being a Howard purist, tried to keep away.  I flipped it open and immediately knew I would be buying this issue.  There, on page 6, was a decapitated sorceror chasing his own head across the desert.  Now that is quality.  I was not disappointed, either.  By the end of the book, the vile Thoth-Amon used the headless body to pull his wagon by dangling the mage’s melon by a stick in front of it.

Oh yeah, just so we know Thoth-Amon is a mean dude, he eats one of the guy’s eyes.  Add in that Conan slices off a man’s face and then skewers the mage’s head like a popsicle, to better hold a conversation with it, and you can honestly say it doesn’t get better in comics than that.

Fantastic Four #546

I’ll be blunt.  I don’t like the Black Panther and Storm filling in for Reed and Sue.  It’s possible it has something to do with Paul Pelletier forgetting how to draw lips whenever he gets to Storm.  Perhaps she’s having an allergic reaction to Vibranium or something, but it’s nowhere in the story.

The rest of it, though, isn’t bad.  They bring back the Secret Wars cosmic-power-stealing-harness of Dr. Doom, shoot Galactus in the knee, and travel through time and space by making a pair of golden frogs hump each other.  Outstanding comic-bookery, sirs.

But get Sue and Reed back where they belong, please.  I’m tired of seeing the Black Panther played up to Batman status.  He just isn’t.

The Mighty Avengers #3

As of this month, I’ve dropped the title.  I love the art, but Bendis’s writing is terrible.  The man cannot learn how to use thought bubbles.  Seriously, on a single page, the Black Widow thinks some combination of “$#%@” four times.  On page 27, the dialogue between Ms. Marvel, Wonder Man, and the Sentry is almost incomprehensible.

The Sentry: The world’s weather.  How is she controlling the entire world’s weather?

Ms. Marvel: Exactly!  One weather pattern here or there–like Storm from the X-Men, that we’ve seen.

Wonder Man: But this–

Ms. Marvel: Exactly.

“Exactly” what?!  “Exactly” what are you talking about?  The following frame is no better:

Wonder Man: Uh…

Ms. Marvel: Uh-oh.  No Ultron?

Wonder Man: Exactly.

Is it some sort of disease?  Exactly.  Is it entirely inappropriate for Ares to have a single red heart in his thought bubble?  Exactly.  Will issue #4 of Mighty Avengers be read at a bookstore comic rack next month?  Exactly.

Captain America #26

The only reason I’m mentioning this is so anyone who ever wanted to see what Peter Parker would look like as a black man can flip to page 23 and look at the top panel.  I realize there’s this whole “back in black” marketing deal going on for the movie, but switching the dude’s race is a little extreme.

Oh yeah, if you read the bottom two panels from that page you can see that Marvel editors must have read all the fan complaints.  They retroactively explain why Captain America, who has been adept at dodging bullets since the early 40s, forgot how to dodge. 

Fallen Son: Captain America

Good comic all around.  It starts off with Hawkeye announcing his return.  Goes into a canned storyline where he becomes the new Captain America.  And takes a sharp turn just before Clicheland to catapult the story into awesomeness.

I don’t care that it’s highly unlikely that Iron Man would forget to shield himself against EMP pulses because I don’t like Tony Stark right now.  I’m glad he takes a tumble.  I’m glad he stands dejected at the end with Cap’s shield and Clint Barton’s words.

Mostly, I’m glad I finally know what the hell Clint was doing between being re-existified and appearing as Ronin.  This issue finally allows New Avengers to make sense.  I’m not sure why Marvel is doing it, but their timeline is all screwed up.  You’ll see what I mean with the next World War Hulk update.

Preliminary reports coming in suggest the Incredible Hulk is on his way back to Earth.  Jennifer Walters, formerly known as the She-Hulk, has apparently developed some sort of ‘Hulk-sense’ and has proclaimed the impending arrival of the jade giant.

Long-range satellite imagery has recorded a decisive battle between the Hulk and an alien species of unknown origin (World War Hulk #1).  Dispatched in a matter of minutes, the entire assault party was defeated by the Hulk and most lost their lives.  Purple in skin-tone, it is assessed that the alien race would have stood a better chance of survival had they known that the Hulk despises the color purple and, in fact, has savaged an unknown number of purple slacks.

Shortly after the battle, the Hulk turned on his comrades in a sort of combat frenzy.  Nearly killing a brood, the Hulk came to his senses and has apparently learned to control his anger through transcendental meditation (no, that’s not a joke).

In light of this turn of events, the time-space continuum ripped open and threw Jennifer Walters backward in the continuity so she could meet with Doc Samson all over again (if you put “Prologue” in fat letters at the top of an issue, you probably shouldn’t have the main continuity chug along with events coming BEFORE the prologue… jeez, Marvel).  A brief slapping down later, She-Hulk was back, Doc Samson has been hurled a couple counties over, and a really smart teenager had reassembled some of the Champions to help the Hulk upon his return.

Hercules and Angel teaming with the smartest teen on the planet could spell disaster for Earth’s most beauracratic heroes, the Initiative/Avengers, unless Reed “Smarty-Stretch” Richards can figure his way out of it.

Analyst Note: Issues where the title character doesn’t make an appearance in anything other than a two and a half page flashback generally means it’s going to suck.  This issue was no exception - granting that you get to see Doc Samson handled… as usual.

You have to read it to believe it.  I can’t think of anything clever to say…

That’s right, in front of the television.  I watch two shows with regularity: Heroes and the Shield.  And Heroes is back on track, finally.

USA Today has a decent round-up of where we left off for those who can’t remember.  Also, iTunes has all the episodes on-line.  I’ve heard NBC does, but every time I go to their web site they’re missing 6-8 episodes.