The Coffeespy

First, try not to let the following blow your mind: 

You may be asking yourself, what does Cindy Sheehan have to do with vampires and werewolves on the moon.  Well, that just means you're not in the Coffeespy hive-mind and need to get yourselves there post-haste!

A werewolf on the moon means you always have to deal with the werewolf!  It's always a full moon.  The vampires are just a bonus of the werewolves being there, honestly.  And Cindy Sheehan?  If she's voted into the legislature, we'll have her in front of the cameras full-time.  Being a monster fed by the spotlight…

Ah, now you're getting the picture.

Of course, a blogosphere extravaganza is the Coffeespy way of saying: “I will disguise my dearth of original writing by linking shamelessly to more fertile grounds.”  But fear not, dear reader, for only the best (or worst) get linked by Coffeespy HQ and the mighty Internet BS Machine!

And without further ado, let the freaking-you-out marathon commence!  To get you into the right mood, here are some dinosaurs flying fighter jets:

If you haven’t already gone blind from the audaciousness (I’ll send Obama my nickel later) of the king of lizards in a fighter cockpit, try to hold on a bit longer as I reveal the Born Again Redneck Yogi’s post on what could be the equivalent of a campaign H-bomb — a Thompson/Giuliani ticket:

I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see a Fred/Rudy ticket. It’s a winning combo in this media-driven celebri-culture. I’m not an idealist and that would suit me fine. How about you?

Look, don’t be lazy.  Follow the link and read his post.  It’s a short and sweet on why this may come to pass.  Unfortunately, the Internet BS Machine has yet to match Rudy for his superhero sidekick, but Fred has the most ringing endorsement to date.  As Frank Miller might put it: He’s the goddamn Batman!

Honestly, if a Fred/Rudy (Frudy?) ticket comes to pass I think the announcement might go something like this:

That’s right, I dared.  I have invoked the jade giant’s visage.  How could I not when the dialogue was so utterly appropriate: “Puny humans.  I have come to smash.  And you should know who’s to blame.”  Oh, we know, Frudy, we know.

While we here at Coffeespy HQ are content to see the world in the four-color purity of denial, the Redneck of Supreme Serenity is hampered by things like integrity and realism.  He’s not about to say Fred is the equivalent of Reagan Reborn.  Back to the Dharma of BARY:

A word of caution to the romantics - Fred is not the Dalai Lama. He is a seasoned politician who has lived in the Virginia suburbs of DC for 30 years and has lobbied for some pretty iffy causes.

Are Fred’s supporters ready to handle reality? I am. Why? Because he’s electable and mostly sincere about his support for conservative clients.

Speaking of sincere support for conservative clients, that crazy Rick Moran brings us a sobering look at Giuliani distancing himself from, in the vernacular of the Nuthouse, “Typhoid Larry”:

The most marked retreat from support for the President among the frontrunners has been by Rudy Guiliani, who invoked the name of Reagan in an unflattering comparison to the current President:

Right Wing Nuthouse goes on to use tools like facts, figures, and even reason rendering it unusable by Coffeespy HQ, but good for you to go read nonetheless — unless your brain is already full.

Finally, we come to the last entry in our Tuesday Blogosphere Extravaganza!  If you are still able to cling to your keyboard by your fingernails after reading the face-pounding majesty of the wisdom above, then your efforts are not in vain.  I have discovered the finest guest blogger the internet has ever produced on a third monday in a month of June in which a Fantastic Four movie has been released.  I give you the Coastwatcher guest blogging at I Think ^(Link) Therefore I Err:

If there is another attack on this country, the Left will scream it was orchestrated by President Bush. The Right will call for a response, and the center will look to be kept safe. They won’t look left.

As with the Nuthouse post, there is reason, logic, and even a certain recognizable sanity — rendering it unusable by Coffeespy HQ personnel.  It also comes with the same warning: Go read it to get smarter, unless your brain is already full.

And there you have it.  A toe-curling whirlwind of political punditry encompassing the mightiest potential ticket since the Lincoln/Roosevelt run to the self-shriveling Democratic Party ploy.  But don’t you fret, we’ll reload the Coffeespy Cannons and be back soon to take more potshots at the feet of titans!

It should be obvious by now that we here at Coffeespy HQ tend to take a “unique” perspective on political issues.  By “unique” I mean we freak you out with our awesome!  It should come as no surprise that immigration reform will not be treated any differently.

While most blogs are talking about the unceasing flood of immigrants from across our southern border and the possibility that terrorists could mingle amongst them, I defy these pundits to explain how a few million Latinos could possibly be more important than the prospect of global destruction itself.  That’s right, you know where this is going.  And you’re only going to hear it from the policy department at Coffeespy HQ.

I am speaking, of course, of the world-threatening immigration of the Transformers!

These undocumented warriors began emigrating from Japan in 1983.  At first, they were simply limited to the American toy market.  But in 1984, failing to adapt to American culture, they made the jump to the cartoon market.  This may seem innocuous at first, but consider the audience: Millions of impressionable American children.  Fast forward to 2007 and the Transformers are about to make the jump into the mainstream.  Mainstreaming could lead to things like interracial bathing!

Rather than adapt to American culture, these robots that disguise themselves as objects ranging from portable CD players to fighter jets have infected our youth and penetrated into the very heart of the American dream where all of our national values are enshrined for posterity: Hollywood!  They are so pervasive, that national treasure, Michael Bay, has taken on their story.

We all know of the stereotype: Hard working Autobots are here to defend us and strengthen our nation.  In contrast, there is a second stereotype of the vicious criminal Decepticon.  Liberal wisdom would have us welcome these Autobots under the assumption that they battle what many Americans will not and at the same time rehabilitate the vile Decepticons.  Conservative wisdom would tell us that any Transformer in the United States should be considered a Decepticon because they shouldn’t be here in the first place.  The Coffeespy HQ Policy Department suggests the truth lay somewhere in between.

The Autobots comment on the resurrection of the immigration bill:

Autobots have sacrificed alongside the uber-American G.I. Joes, yet not a single Autobot has ever been granted citizenship to the United States.  This is a travesty of immigration policy!

Get rid of the Decepticons.  Keep the Autobots.  And for Seibertron’s sake, build us a damn forcefield!  To fail in passing something effective and sensible now will only lead to the further corruption of our culture by these mechanical minions of migration.  Do not dare to doubt me, fellow Americans.  The penalty is an army of cultural abominationerds.  And, really, didn’t George Lucas already give us enough of those?

Warning: LINK WHORAGE SO BLATANT YOU MAY NEED EYE PROTECTION!

• Get instasmart on instacitizenship at Instapundit, the fastest pundit alive!
• Consult Malkin, Princess of Powerfully Prodigious Political Punditry.
• See what Maggie has written in her Notebook.  Don’t forget: Decepticons!  Immigrant crime is bad, but Decepticons will disintegrate your Prius!  Hell, a Decepticon may be your Prius!
• Behold the might of the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler!  He attempts to use numbers and reason in the battle for realistic reform.  It’s a strategy so insane in its lunacy, it just may work.
• Finally, the most Coffeespy-ish name I’ve yet to read on the blogosphere: the Born Again Redneck Yogi!  That’s right, brave reader, this man offers wisdom of the spiritually resurrected and centered through the lense of a shotgun-wielding pick-up truck driver.  Do not miss this opportunity.  A man of such a combination could implode reality at any moment!

A quick round-up for those just joining us.

The Internet BS Machine has been matching presidential candidates with their most appropriate superhero sidekick.  Five candidates have received the treatment thus far:

1. Hillary Clinton and Plastic Man
2. Fred Thompson and Batman
3. Barack Obama and Captain America’s Shield
4. Mike Huckabee and Iceman
5. George Phillies and Flatman

Stay tuned for more sidekick silliness, oh disciples of democracy!

From Orcinus, May 30, 2007:

So I think it’s a fairly easy prediction that looming Democratic rule, already manifesting itself in Congress and likely to consolidate with the presidency next election season, will produce an upswing in far-right activity, particularly the spread of conspiracy theories, fearmongering, and bogus smear campaigns.

Emphasis given by the Coffeespy Internet BS Machine.

From Orcinus, June 6, 2007:

If America ever becomes a fascist state, it will be Ron Paul’s long-time followers who bring it about. And we — progressives, miniorities, feminists, gays, “intellectuals,” and Jews like Maher and Stewart — with be the first ones to feel their genocidal rage.

Fear not, avid readers.  Wonder Woman has been dispatched to take care of the problem:

The Talking Points Memo points their spotlight on the New York Times question:

Be honest. Who would you rather share a foxhole with: a gay soldier or Mitt Romney?

To which TPM responds:

Hmm, a patriotic young American willing to put his or her life on the line in service to the United States, or a presidential candidate who avoided military service and still has no idea whether U.N. weapons inspectors were allowed entry into Iraq in 2003? In a military crisis, who do I trust?

Oh, sweet partisanship.

Let’s put the question several other ways:

1. Who would you rather share a foxhole with: a gay soldier or Hillary Clinton?
2. Who would you rather share a foxhole with: a gay soldier or Barack Obama?
3. Who would you rather share a foxhole with: a gay soldier or Ted Kennedy?
4. Who would you rather share a foxhole with: a gay soldier or Hulk Hogan?
5. Who would you rather share a foxhole with: a gay soldier or the Scarecrow?

Kind of see where this is going?  Hillary would complain about the conditions of the foxhole.  Obama would talk about the dignity of dying with audacious hopefulness and basically blah blah blah some symbolism.  Kennedy would be fun in a foxhole but not exactly useful beyond getting drunk before getting shot.  A little Hulkamania would be awesome if the enemy actually got into the foxhole with us but I’d rather keep them at range.  Finally, the Scarecrow I added just so I could make a straw man reference, which I now have.

It doesn’t matter who they want to put in the foxhole compared to the gay soldier unless the person mentioned has excellent marksman skills and some soldiering experience (or a forcefield).

I would like to thank TPM for posting something so galactically stupid that it met the qualifications for inclusion at Coffeespy.

Internet BS Machine Match:

George Phillies has been matched with Flatman… because unless you’re really into either politics or comic books, you’ve never heard of either of them.

Flatman is an openly gay member of the Great Lakes Avengers.  The team’s leader, Mr. Immortal, claims to be the next evolutionary step for humans and calls himself a homo supreme.  This has caused some jealousy between Flatman and Mr. Immortal due to Flatman confusing the meaning of Mr. Immortal’s title.  Similarly, Phillies no doubt harbors extreme jealousy of any candidate from the Republican or Democratic parties because he also mistakenly believes himself to be a contender for the presidency.

Finally, Flatman is often looked upon as a joke of a superhero, but he has incredible skill when it comes to detection and deductive reasoning, which is a real danger to criminals.  Phillies isn’t really looked upon as a candidate, but that doesn’t stop him from being an active ACLU member, which is a real danger to people with common sense.

The 2D Avenger meets the 2-Vote Candidate.  I smell history baking, my friends.

Internet BS Machine Match:

The *snicker* “contender” from Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, has been matched with the clever quipping Iceman of the X-Men.  This is mainly because both of them have a snowball’s chance in hell. 

Both men are known for thier snappy banter, but let’s be honest: reading your DVD player’s technical manual might seem hilarious compared to a Republican debate right now.  Seriously, out of valium?  Flip on Huckabee and Mitt going at each other over immigration reform.  You’re snoozing along and in a half-dream state you hear “John Edwards at a hair salon.”  Oyooooo!  Whatta riot.

Also, Iceman is, or at least was, known as the child-like member of the team seeing things with a sense of wonder and a certain irresponsibility.  Huckabee is child-like in his love of fairy tales, particularly creationism.

Iceman is in constant danger of being sent to a concentration camp by those who despise mutant-kind.  Huckabee jokes about being ensconced in a concentration camp by the Democratic Party.  Oh that Huckabee…

Finally, Iceman has a habit of making decisions that aren’t exactly… thought out.  Huckabee?  Well, two words: Wayne Dumond.

Internet BS Machine Match:

Political wunderkind Barack Obama has been matched with Captain America…. ’s shield.  The Internet BS Machine was unable to match the senator from Illinois with a complete superhero because superheroes generally have more substance to their personality.  It was able to match him to a hollow piece of metal painted red, white, and blue.

Both Obama and the shield are tools wielded by their respective masters.  Just like Captain America throws his mighty shield, Obama votes straight down the party line as noted at Vote-Smart.org under his record.  You can also check out his interest group ratings.

Also, both Obama and the shield look good from the front, but when you get to what’s behind them you find relatively little.  Obama, for example, has his “Walk for Change” and talks of the “Audacity of Hope.”  What does all that mean?  I dunno, but it sounds darn positive!  The shield is painted in the colors of Old Glory making me feel really patriotic and hopeful, but even a red, white, and blue crowbar will leave a big mark when it whacks you in the face.

Lastly, the shield is an alloy of Wakandan vibranium and adamantium, the hardest substance on earth.  The alloy cannot be duplicated and is, quite literally, the most expensive piece of metal on the planet.  Obama is relying on his mixture of liberalism, social conservatism (due to someone calling him religious once, don’t get the idea he’s against gay marriage, abortion, or any other social conservative cause beginning in anti-), and large marketing staff to make him the most expensive candidate in the world.  If Hillary didn’t have Plastic Man stretching her dollars, he might well succeed.

Outside the Beltway asks:

I wonder which candidates will accept the invites?

…to Univisión’s presidential debate in Spanish.  From the Miami Herald:

Univisión, the most popular Spanish-language television network in the United States, has invited the Democrats and Republicans running for president to South Florida for the nation’s first-ever presidential debates conducted in Spanish.

With special commentary, here’s Captain America: