The Coffeespy

I feel I must prepare you.  It would be cruelly painful and potentially render me medically culpable if your brain explodes by what you are about to read, so here’s the warm-up:

Ok, so if you can wrap your mind around hyper-intelligence apes racing dinosaurs like they were down at the harness track, you may possibly be ready for the next item.

Brace yourselves.  The last man on earth yet to see Star Wars has finally done so!  While the very concept that someone has been such a shut-in for the past 30 years is somewhat unbelievable and provokes a profound feeling of pity at the necessary lack of social contact, the unpossible statements he makes leaves a man wheezing for the air of reality.  From Wired:

It was a movie made a long time ago, in a galaxy apparently lacking even one competent screenwriter. I’ve heard dialog that clanked before, but I haven’t seen writing this lame since Deep Throat (another flick with some pretty good special effects).

No wonder Guinness bailed out after the first movie. When you’ve played Col. Nicholson in Bridge on the River Kwai and Prince Feisal in Lawrence of Arabia, donning the threadbare cosset of a washed-up Jedi knight and swapping sophmoric banalities with third-rate actors must have been a severe shock to the system.

Sometimes, no paycheck is big enough.

Gah!  *Cough*Wheeze*  Can’t breathe…

I’d seen several of Akira Kurosawa’s films over the years, but after signing up with NetFlix I got to see more of his films than Toshiro Mifune could shake a katana at.  With the exception of Throne of Blood (Kumonosu jô), they were all time well spent.  There was a definite surprise for me when I found a non-samurai movie in the mix and, even better, it surpassed half the crap pouring out of Hollywood today (suck it, Hostel).

And so, without any critical explanation, I submit to you the top 5 best Kurosawa movies according to the Coffeespy:

1. The Seven Samurai - Cliche as it is to say, it’s the best.
2. Stray Dog - A film noir cop drama that I can’t recommend highly enough to black and white fans.  You won’t believe this movie is from 1949.
3. Yojimbo/Sanjuro - Yes, that’s two movies, but they’re both about Toshiro Mifune being a badass so they tie at 3. 
4. Kagemusha - It’s a later film but the use of color and small sets… ok, I said I wouldn’t get critical.  There’s lots of samurai battles, man.
5. Rashômon - Wow.  Who’da thought a spiffy plot could make a movie interesting, eh?

Each film had a digital special effects budget the size of Joel Schumacher’s talent, which is to say none at all (I’ll never forgive you, Joel.  Batnipples… really.).  The movies are really simply Kurosawa’s raw talent and, in the case of Toshiro Mifune, his awesome presence.  If you have NetFlix, add ‘em to your cue.

The highly anticipated movie “300” is due out friday and is already making some people uncomfortable.  The movie is an adaptation of Frank Miller’s fictionalized accout of the Battle of Thermopylae, where some 300 Spartans and 600 Thespians (no, not actors) stood against the Persian forces of Xerxes I, numbering somewhere between 200,000 and 2,000,000.  Historically, the Spartan resolve gave the rest of the Greek states enough time to organize themselves to eventually defeat Xerxes I, forever securing the fruit of Western philosophy, namely, democracy.

Sounds like it’s to be a great flick.  But as Zack Snyder recently found out, you can’t just make a great flick anymore.  It’s all got to have a message.

From the NY Times:

Three weeks ago a handful of reporters at an international press junket here for the Warner Brothers movie “300,” about the battle of Thermopylae some 2,500 years ago, cornered the director Zack Snyder with an unanticipated question.

“Is George Bush Leonidas or Xerxes?” one of them asked.

The questioner, by Mr. Snyder’s recollection, insisted that Mr. Bush was Xerxes, the Persian emperor who led his force against Greek’s city states in 480 B.C., unleashing an army on a small country guarded by fanatical guerilla fighters so he could finish a job his father had left undone. More likely, another reporter chimed in, Mr. Bush was Leonidas, the Spartan king who would defend freedom at any cost.

Snyder declined to answer, of course.  The studio claims that not answering these questions makes the issue go away much quicker than if they debated it.  They’re also fearful of alienating a portion of the audience given the film’s pricetag of over $100 million.

This bit surprised me, personally:

Mr. Snyder acknowledged that Mr. Miller — who declined to be interviewed for this article — had opened the door for contemporary comparisons with his passionate, if not entirely accurate, portrayal of the ancient Spartans as saviors of Western civilization. “He’d be on their side regardless of who they were fighting, because he just loves them,” Mr. Snyder said.

Miller declined to be interviewed?  I’m guessing it’s because he’s hoping we all go see it and judge for ourselves, but Frank Miller has been far from silent on what he thinks, politically.  Speaking on “Holy Terror,” where Miller pits the Batman against al Qaeda:

“Not to put too fine a point on it, it’s a piece of propaganda,” he said.

“Superman punched out Hitler. So did Captain America. That’s one of the things they’re there for. 

“These are our folk heroes. I just think it’s silly to have Batman out chasing the Riddler when you’ve got al-Qaida out there.”

Comparing Batman to Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry character - a lone urban hero fighting a crime wave - Miller said: “Batman kicks al-Qaida’s ass … I wish the entertainers of our time had the spine and the focus of the ones who faced down Hitler.”

In the book, Holy Terror, Batman is “a reminder to people who seem to have forgotten who we’re up against”, the author said.

After that, asking if Bush is Xerxes or Leonidas sounds kind of silly.  The comic book “300″ was written in 1998, far ahead of September 11 and Miller’s “Holy Terror.”  It seems, though, that Miller is not apologetic of his pro-Western views and doesn’t come into them simply because we got our nose bloodied.  He’s the real deal.

To me, the Spartans represent what I wish we’d all stand up and do.  Be uncompromising, unbending, and unbreakable in our resolve against the clash of cultures.  Athens couldn’t have done what the Spartans did and it is undoubtedly due to their cultural differences.  I haven’t seen the movie yet (because I’m nobody special), but it’s pretty clear Miller thinks we need some Spartans to step up while the Athenians are haggling over terror definitions and opinion polls.

Alan Moore’s graphic novel Watchmen, which causes many a literary snob to rethink their position on “comic books,” has been in pre-production Purgatory for years.  Alan Moore has stated on several occassions he is unhappy with the Hollywood treatment of his stories and has gone so far as to have his name taken off the films.

Personally, I think Moore is rather self-centered by not understanding that Hollywood treatments of literary works are nothing more than ‘inspired by’ remakes.  The relationship is similar to Elton John being inspired by Marilyn Monroe and writing “Candle in the Wind.”  Only an ignoramous would think Monroe had a personal hand in writing the song, the same should hold true for Moore’s work.  He wrote a graphic novel, someone else was inspired by it and wrote a script based off of it.

I think Moore is more concerned with his perceived artist’s purity (must not be a sell-out now, all your creativity might dry up and blow away) than with his fans’ wishes.  To be clear, it’s not a bad thing, just a quirky thing.  If that’s what it takes for Moore to keep putting out thought-provoking stuff to read - Excelsior, sir!

As for the movie adaptations, “From Hell” may as well have had a different title.  The “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” only kept the characters in common.  The plot and character interaction were vastly different.  “V for Vendetta,” however, was quite close to the graphic novel.  The notable exception was the empowerment of Evey.

Anyway, since the treatment of his books by the movie industry seemed to be improving, I had great hope for Watchmen.  Then I learned that “300″ director Zack Snyder, who has proven adept at bringing graphic novels to film format, has taken the reigns of Watchmen.  It seemed like a natural pairing!

Then he opened his mouth…

“I think by setting it in 1985, by having the Cold War, Nixon and all that stuff, you sort of reinvigorate what the story is about,” Snyder says. “I think that what Alan [is commenting on is] about authority and government. If you make that movie right, [then] what that has to say makes people think about what’s happening maybe now or in their own lives. That’s my hope for what the movie could be.”

Umm… so Watchmen will be set in 1985 amidst the backdrop of Nixon’s Cold War?  Oh dear.  You think Moore was commenting on authority and government?  I think Snyder read V and thought he was reading Watchmen.  Moore is clear on why he wrote Watchmen:

It was extending the premise of a previous work of mine, Marvelman. That was a reinvention of a 1950s character that had always been an innocent, naïve American super hero knock off. It was putting a character like that in to a real or at least more realistic world. That sounded interesting. It was like I was saying earlier about the motivation for super heroes and how difficult that is because there aren’t really any sensible motivations for dressing as a Bat and fighting crime. I mean, your parents get killed in front of your eyes, that’s tough, you know. No one’s saying that that isn’t difficult and wouldn’t be traumatic. But, a bat?

So it’s about taking the old hero paradigm and showing how it doesn’t fit in the modern society - not about authority and government.  I think Snyder’s probably doing a little projection onto Alan Moore.  Add that to the weird history comment and we have a train wreck in the making.

I really, really hope I’m wrong.

Alright.  I listened to O’Reilly today talk about how all culture page columnists are left-leaning.  Then I read the Moderate Voice where I was led to Balloon Juice who said:

Tried to watch Superman Returns last night, and despite really looking forward to seeing it, I couldn’t even finish it.

It sucked in more ways than I thought possible. If this movie were a war, it would be Iraq. If this movie were a religious leader, it would be Ted Haggard. If it were a blogger, it would be Dan Riehl.

I used to write movie reviews for my college paper and dearly miss it.  And finally, I’m a ginormogundous comic book geek.  I could give you an hour long lecture on the mythology of our time and how our heroes embody the values we hold truly dear and yadda yadda yadda but instead I’ll just tell you what I thought about Superman Returns.

Problem #1 - The Superman Returns universe suffers from time anomolies.

Lois and Clark met at the paper.  Lois has a 6-year-old kid.  Lois has a journalism degree.  If Lois graduated at 18, went to school for four years for her degree, and then had a 6-year-old, then she’s a minimum of 28.  She’s 28 if she gave it up to Supes the second they met, that is.  Since we know that’s not true because there’s a history and Superman is well known and all that, then let’s add 2 years before he sealed the deal and then split: she’s 30.

Now you check out the pic and tell me: is that mother and son or brother and sister?

Problem #2 - Superman is a stalking predator.

First, when did Superman decide horning in on a family with the intention of stealing away the girl was in furtherance of truth, justice, and the American way.  At the time he took her for a private flight and then moved in for the kiss, he thought she had a son with another man.  The Superman I know wouldn’t try to split up a family.  This must be some “new values” Superman out of Cali.

Second, when did he start using his X-ray vision and super-hearing to listen in on their private conversations so he could gain an advantage in said competition for the lady’s affections?  Ugh… remember that speech I said I could give you about the embodiment of cultural values in our heroes?  This movie doesn’t bode well for American culture if the Singer Superman is what we aspire to be.

Problem #3 - It’s Superman: The Movie.

Let’s see… in Superman: The Movie, Lex Luthor tried to defeat Superman so his master criminal real estate scheme would be assured success.  In Superman Returns, Lex Luthor tries to defeat Superman so his master criminal real estate scheme would be assured success.

On the Coffeespy movie scale, Superman Returns comes in at a solid: MEH.  Good on action, but the corruption of a traditional American icon leaves me with a little bit of vomit in my mouth.